from depression to counselling

Roddy Macdonald

I grew up in a very unhappy and dysfunctional home.  I can remember even from as young as 5 having strong feelings of depression.  This continued on and off for most of my life.  My parents never talked to each other and fought constantly, my father went out to the pub every night and my mother followed suit at the weekends, usually leaving me with my brother until he was kicked out when I was 9; then they left me on my own.  As a result I used to dread weekends. It was then that the fights always started or there were drunken parties at my house.  I was afraid of the dark and terrified when my mum left me alone.

My parents eventually divorced when I was 14.  I was given the choice of who I wanted to stay with, and chose to stay with my dad, hoping that somehow I could have some sort of relationship with him, just me and him.  Up to that point we never did anything together, we never even talked, other than when he gave me some sort of punishment for some ‘crime’ I had committed.  However my dreams were short lived. 5 days later my stepmother moved in and made my life hell. 

I started drinking then aged 14 and I left home at 16 when I went berserk. I was drinking, taking drugs and basically getting into trouble with the police, with my friends, at work and with everyone else who came into contact with me.  I was desperately unhappy and lonely.  My mum was involved in a road accident, went into a coma and died when I was 17.  I remember praying to God at that time. (Funny how we do that when we claim there is no God!). Anyway, The Lord’s Prayer was the only prayer I knew so I prayed that, and tacked onto the end a prayer that God would let my mum live. When she died I concluded there was no God! 

I became suicidal and just wanted to die, I felt so completely alone in a very hostile and uncaring world.  I spent all my money on drink and tried to find satisfaction in sex and drugs.  Then when I was 19 I met someone who took me to a Christian event to hear a guy called Nicky Cruz speak and basically give his own life story about how he had become a Christian. At the end he invited people to come down the front, pray and ask Jesus into their lives. I remember feeling very emotional at the time; I was crying and wondering what on earth was happening to me.  I distinctly ‘heard’ in my mind what I now know was God’s Spirit speaking to me and saying that “I had to go down the front and that I wasn’t getting another chance”.  This freaked me out. There was no way I was doing that in front of all those people.  However God persisted and I relented (always a good idea!). I went down and asked Jesus into my life, walked back up and absolutely knew that God had done something wonderful in my life.  I stopped drinking and taking drugs that very night and was on cloud nine for weeks.  It would be great (though not very realistic) to say I lived happily ever after.  The truth is I battled with depression for many years afterwards, (right up until 6 years ago in fact, when I started my counsellor training). 

I moved through here from the west and got married when I was 21.  The marriage went badly wrong right from the start and for the next 9 years.  I went deeper and deeper into myself, I was angry at God; and felt he had let me down, (the truth is He won’t force people to change, but allows them free will).  I ended up meeting someone else (Karen my wonderful wife) got divorced, walked away from God and continued in my depression.  (At one point I was off work for 6 months with stress and depression, I was on anti depressants and would sit for hours staring at the wall).  It all came to a head when after a year of sneaking in and out of a church we were going to Karen, who wasn’t a Christian, declared she wanted to become a Christian and we had to stop sleeping together!  (By this time we had our own house).  Reluctantly, I agreed and the very next week Karen became a Christian and I recommitted my life to God.  I fully expected the leaders of our church to try and split Karen and I up, but they were great and trusted us to abstain from sex until we were married which we did for the next year (that was one long year let me tell you!)  I however struggled with my own feelings of guilt and it took about 5 more years before I realised that God in his goodness and grace had forgiven me (why are we so slow to believe? All that heartache for nothing!) 

Then I went on my journey of becoming a qualified counsellor this is when God really set me free from my depression and helped me deal with my fears insecurities and low self esteem.  God has truly done amazing things in my life and I am now so privileged to be used by him to help others in my role as a counsellor.  It’s been some journey but none of it is wasted with him, he is truly the expert at redeeming hopeless situations and turning hopeless lives around.  “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them”. Romans 8:28 (NLT)  If God is speaking to you today, don’t shut him out, don’t turn your back on him, and don’t struggle on your own as I did without getting help.  He can and will set you free. “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 (NLT)